When People say stupid stuff

One of the things I struggle with most when dealing with diabetes is how much of a 'public' disease it is. Everyone has a view on diabetes. Sometimes its very hard to make people see ours - that the person WITH diabetes - as the most important view of all.

Diabetes requires a lot of micromanagement, and endless doctors, educator, endo podiatry, optometry and more appointments. Every one of these health professionals have their own view on how we should be treating our diabetes. They are all right and they are all wrong. I'm ok with these viewpoints because I seek them out. I want to know their opinions, and when I don't agree I feel like I can discuss this with them.

What I don't want is unsolicited opinions. They are never beneficial. They are usually judgemental and rudimenatry views established from watching too many 'A Current Affairs' stories on the 'diabetes epidemic' - you know the ones I'm talking about; where they talk about type 2 the whole time and bad eating habits, but then show the little kid with type 1 running around in a field of daisies at the end.

I've seen a lot of them on food posts lately  - someone bakes a yummy, sugar laden cake and you can bet that in the comments somewhere the typical 'diabetes in bowl' will spring up, fully laden with pain, hurt, resentment and embarrassment for the diabetics actually reading it. It belittles and makes a joke of a serious disease.

I get a few from people out loud. I was happily counting my carbs at a cafe the other day (I do this outloud as I tend to be able to keep track more), when I got the comment "That's no way to live". Actually, for me, it is the ONLY way to live. Thank you and mind your own effing business.

So why do people think they can have an opinion on diabetes and parade it around without living with the disease itself? Please, please don't. (This is probably going to sound rude, so I apologise in advadance.) Why diabetes? Is it not a serious, lifelong condition? You would never hear anybody say anything about cancer or any other disease, except to acknowledge that the person with cancer is suffering and to offer words of support and encouragement. Even if the person has lung cancer caused by smoking. Do we get public support? Sometimes, but those voices are far overshadowed by the ill-informed loudmouths. We get told it's our own fault, and we should live with it. So we should obviously suffer everyone's hideously misinformed opinions (which some people like to express quite loudly when they know they have a diabetic in earshot, or just to your face). STOP STOP STOP!!!! We have feelings. Even though we know it isn't our fault (Type 1) we still feel ashamed, some of us still hide our disease (at a detriment to our own health), because of all the public misconceptions and the ridicule we might encounter. Even in the case of lifestyle-induced type 2 diabetes, they don't deserve that embarassment. Can you honestly say you do everything perfect all the time? Some people just like chocolate, so effing what???? Why is that so horrible? You will never know how they got to that stage. Everyone has a vice!

We have this disease for life. I'm pretty good at brushing ridiculous remarks off my shoulders, calling the perpetrator an uneducated twat, and moving on. Some days though, when you've had a few hypos, when your blood sugar has been givin you hell all day and you feel like dogballs, its not so easy and you might go home absolutley in tears about it. It is for life, and if you hear that sort of suff every single day, it can wear you down.

Encourage us, please.

And if you're the one writing stupid stuff, watch this, take a pointer and do it better next time.

Connect-In

Something I seem to have been discussing a lot lately with various other young D's is the lack of physical support available. We have a website and...hey we have a Facebook page. I'm not entirely sure why, but it has been decided somewhere along the line that we can get all the support we need off the internet. I've since had a talk with my DE who says we used to have stuff for young adult type 1's a little while ago, but that it was cut due to lack of funding, or something to that effect. I was given some names of people to contact to try and start something up here in QLD, but I have forgotten nearly everything she said due to a hypo in the middle of our consult, so will have to email her and ask for all those details again.

It's also pretty apparent that if you have Type 1, you should move to Melbourne. So last weekend I had the pleasure of attending the 'Connect-In 2013' Type 1 diabetes camp for 18 - 25 year olds, held in Melbourne. I wasn't too upset about the travel as I had never been to Melbourne before, so got to be a bit of a tourist whilst I was there (random domed shopping centre, cold cold cold & OMG Trams!!).

I loved it. I just love being near other betics. To say something or do something and everyone else in the room understands. In my normal life, this never happens. I know my loving man wants to understand, but unless you're betic, you really can't.

I was so excited not to be the only one in the room finger-pricking and bolusing and wondering how many carbs are in that - plus points to DA Vic for providing a carb guide for all the foods we were eating that weekend so we didn't have to count ourselves :). Actually that was great - to be able to switch off that part of my brain for 2 days was terrific! I think its something alot of us need every now and then - a weekend where someone else does our diabetes thinking for us. It gives you a nice little break so you can recharge and get back into D.

What about the program? The 1st day I didn't find overly exciting or interesting. I knew the basics of D, the basics of carb counting and most of the stuff they discussed. But it didn't bother me to hear it all again, you can never assume everyone knows the basics. I can't remember where I read the study that said something like only 5% of diabetics have a more than basic understanding of their own disease....actually maybe that number is wrong - but I was shocked at the number, it was tiny. (Note to self - find study...its probably at work somewhere). Someone please correct me if you come across it! It was only this year I think. From the 1st day I think my personal stand-out was the exercise seminar. She wasn't D but it was the only one that got us up and moving and really involved us to make us think about WHY exercise is so important - and not just cos of D. My body also really thanked the mentor - I was getting stiff from sitting so long.

The night-time activity was a good choice I think. Pizza & bowling bar. I don't normally eat pizza, but ate it anyway, so perhaps a choice of food next time. Although I could have gone and gotten a sandwich from the sandwich bar at accommodation if I had wanted beforehand. I liked that the activity was something physical to do to burn off energy - but it was a physical activity that didn't require much thought in terms of D. I just didn't bolus for my 2 soft drinks and ended up with perfect levels afterwards. We also discovered our sets glowed in the Ultraviolet lights. Exciiitement! The ability to go off and do our own thing afterwards was good as well - Hellloooo pancakes!

The 2nd day's program was much more of what I came for, all the things that seem to be happening around me now - travel, social media, etc. But the women's session scared the beejebus out of me in terms of having babies. They probably should have had a counselor with us for when they showed us the stats on complications for our pregnancies!

Actually that was something that was lacking - a 'feel good about D' seminar to explore how D has maybe enriched our lives or something more to do with our mental health? There was a sort session on burnout, but there is so much of the mental health side of things involved with having a disease like diabetes. Honestly when I think about it they could probably do a whole camp dedicated to the mental health side of D!

Overall I think it was a successful weekend. I made some great D friends, I felt encouraged to look after my diabetes because it was the norm that weekend. I really do hope the other states will catch on and set up programs of support for young adults and adults with diabetes. Knowing that you're not the only one out there can be an amazing support in itself. I'm sure I wasn't the only one encouraged into extra testing and looking after my D that weekend, so I can only think of benefits when opportunities like this arise. I know myself, I will be looking into Diabetes Queensland and seeing what we can do here, even if its something as simple as hiring a few beach cabins and spending a weekend in the company of other D's. Now that Diabetes Vic has paved the way....

Ron & Hermione during the exercise seminar 

BOWLING

Pancakes that look like ice-cream

I did in fact get pancake all over my face after I took this

Tameeka & I were excited that the door said T1

We were also exicted to see we were staying in the 'Sweet Wing', whilst plaing with our LIGHT UP PENS

I may have adopted an animas penguin called Dudley

How do I hypo? Let me count the Ways

How do I hypo? Let me count the ways.
I hypo in the 3's and 2's and sometimes 1's as well.

• Mild hypos, where you feel a niggling sense of being over-hot and a little confused, but you can pop a few of the sweet things and move on without so much a second thought
• Moderate hypos
• Giggling hypos, everything is funny
• The hypos when you're too tired to chew your jellybeans so you start choking on them instead
• The hypos caused by shopping. Secretly, I think retailers are ok with this, because hypo brain doesn't care about prices and just buys
• The hypos in the supermarket, where you stand in the vegetable isle looking for the funny vegie that you saw a lady walk past with and you just have to eat it, despite not knowing what it is, and knowing that it probably has negligable carbs.
• The other hypos in the supermarket where you stand in the lolly isle looking at all the choices you have and buying all or none because you can't make up your mind
• The other other hypos in the supermarket when you talk to your food and the supermarket guy hears you
• The hypos where your boyfriend gets frustrated because you take soooo long to chew the jellybean or drink the juice. He usually complains of chest pains afterwards
• The post-coital hypos, when you would rather be cuddling
• The hypos caused by hot showers, where you feel about to pass out due to a combination of hypo and heat, and your 1st instinct is to get dressed incase so whoever comes to your rescue doesn't find you passed out naked
• The hypos that take an hour to come out of
• The hypos where you just keep dropping, so you eat and eat and in the end you want to vomit, which might result in another hypo
• Olympic hypos, caused by seeing the Aussie team compete
• Exercise hypos, which you don't recognize until late, and then you have to hobble home slowly so as not to exasperate it
• The hypos that happen everytime you are running late to something that starts dead-on-time
• The end of the day hypos, which only happen after long days at work when you can't wait to go home. At least you're prepared and have a gameboy hiding in the car for such occasions
• The hypos when you burst into tears and cry about that day 9 years ago when your fish died, and how you really miss him
• Cold weather hypos
• Hot weather hypos
• Post-correction hypos
• Pig-out hypos, when the noms take over and all of a sudden you find yourself surrounded by empty chip and chocolate packets, with jam donut smeared over your forehead
• Multiple hypos

Long Time, No Blog

I need a break! I think right now I have definitely bitten off more than I can chew, and diabetes has taken a back seat. Oddly levels seem to have coped well and have ALL stayed in range, except for the spike to 14.2 tonight because my partner kept passing me sneaky M&Ms in the cinema which I didn't bolus for. 

In the past 2 days alone I have: gone to work, ducked for a house inspection, gone back to work, caught up with one of the most amazing ladies on earth for Chocolatey Goodness, went to my 2nd job of the day, Crawled into bed and died, woke up and then somehow fit 4 house inspections all across the South Side of Brisbane into 1 1/2 hours whilst battling low blood sugars, seen a play of the Phantom of the Opera across town with another amazing Chikadee, gone out for a date night with my leading man and watched "After Earth" and finally come home to relax. 

This just starts my month! Tomorrow I'm driving to the Gold Coast for a birthday lunch for my brother. With cheesecake as a dessert! Yumm yumm.

And so the hecticness will continue, with a medieval banquet next weekend (I get to wear medieval clothes and be all pretty like!) and the following weekend Hugh & I will be braving the chills in Jervis Bay for some sort of a family reunion on his side. 

After that diabetes will be able to squeeze itself back into the picture for my new pump start. In the end, after weeks of comtemplation between Animas & Medtronic, I opted for Medtronic as I already owned the CGMs equipment for it, amongst other things such as the ability to get an external remote and being able to customise skins (I have designed quite a few and just have to pick one to get made now). I've chosen the purple Medtronic & will name it Lewis: The Purple People Eater. I'm very excited. 

Speaking of customisable skins, I ordered a very pretty skin for my Verio IQ! I love it and it helps me want to test...I show it off to everyone, even the non-betics.

I'll have a week to play with my shiny new pump before I ship off to Melbourne for the Connect-In diabetes camp, so that weekend I guess I won't really have an excuse but to try my diabetic best! I'm very much looking forward to this, especially for the chance to connect to other D's. I hope I can grub up some exciting diagnosis stories (I love these so much!). I've never been to Melbourne before so I took an extra day off work and will go down early to see the sights before getting serious with D.

Whilst all this is going on I have to find and move houses; I'm not looking forward to all the packing and cleaning and organising on work days as I don't have weekends to do it. Arghh just thinking about this is going to send me crazy!  

I've pretty much had to abandon D360 this week due to all my running around and things like my fathers birthday dinner, catch ups with friends and everything else already mentioned. I'm sure I gained back the whole 3kgs I lost in the 1st week. Honestly I may have to wait awhile before attempting this again. I also want to start up at a gym, but again that will just have to hold on - probably until after September as Hugh & I have only recently booked our plane tickets to Japan for most of September - so I guess I should organise that as well!

Finally, I'm crazy and decided I don't have enough on my plate so I started SEQ Young Diabetic Catch-Ups, which is based on doing activity days for young adult diabetics who are in the South East Queensland Region during one of our catch-up days. With all that's happening the 1st one is set to be held at the end of July, after Hugh & I should have been comfortably settled into our new rental property for a good week and a half. Pop over to the Facebook and send us a message if you're interested! I will also see if I can advertise the dates/times/locations/etc, on sites like JDRF, where I think they have a meet up section, as well as Reality Check, for those that don't have Facebook. I'm very excited about this group though and I hope it will get people in the D community more active and involved - we'll see. It's also for all types of D, as I've seen that for some reason we are segregated from each other in the diabetes community. Everybody needs support, plus you might learn something else about D you never knew before.

Bring on October and a chance to breath!!! 

Starting D360

I finally took the leap and signed up for one of those health & fitness programs. Starting small on one of those internet ones. Even better, an internet one run by a fellow T1D.

I got into the swing of it a bit yesterday and cut back my snacking. Which I did. I'm not expecting to be able to do everything at once, just so we're clear. I find I can easily achieve my goals if I work at 1 thing at a time.

So yesterday was all well and good. Went to measure myself, decided it was too cold, so I'll do that tonight. I will probably also complain that it is too cold tonight to put the measuring tape against my skin.

Anyway, today I got up, ate my UNhealthy breakfast of cereal...and chocolate milo cereal at that.(One of the D360 nono's). I had already decided pretty much straight away that the guideline of no cereal was going to be ignored. Just not changing from that. After 23 years you can't tell me to eat anything different for breakfast. Brain does not compute for a prep time of more than 1 minute for breakfast. Even toast takes too long.

I looked online at the list again of nono's, which included all white carbs. It listed my entire food vocabulary. People provided suggestions for what I could replace my white carbs for. In the end I decided with not eating carbs, rather than try new things. I don't do new things. If I haven't eaten it before, I won't start now.

One of the other participants had told us about her delish sounding breakfast of tomato and salmon and spinach and some other thing I had no idea what the crap was. I would eat the spinach. That's it. We're probably getting the picture that I'm a fussy eater right about now. Sad face for me because her breakfast really did sound amazingly yummy.

I did a little better at lunch and had leftover chicken and veg stirfry where the only carb was corn, which is probably white, but seeing as its yellow I will happily ignore that and continue to eat it. 1.5 hours later and I was feeling a little funny. Check BG 3.9, first number below 4 in about 2 months (since the Chris incident). Was happy cos it means that I can probably cut down my basal rate at this time, which is what I am aiming for with the program. Weight loss would be a bonus. Ate 3 jellybeans to combat hypo & walked across to plaza to buy a toner. Hypo returned with a vengeance. No idea what the number was, didn't have my kit on me. Left that at work. Anyway, hypo brained me ruined everything in my feeling like death state and I somehow managed to gurgle out that I wanted a white hot chocolate and indicated to some sort of cake at Gloria Jeans. Scoffed both.

Went to my aunties for dinner and had a very vegetable based spag bol. It had pasta but I wasn't too worried as I just filled up more on meat and veg than the pasta. Besides, its Winter. I probably  definitely should not have started a program like this in comfort food season. But then I remember I don't want to look fat in photos when I go to Japan in September, so will stick with it anyway.

Left Aunties. Sent home with a bag cookies. So I guess today is cheat day. Hot choc and cookies, here I come. We'll try again tomorrow.

Diabetes Blog Week Day 7 - Spread the Love

As another Diabetes Blog Week draws to a close, let’s reflect on some of the great bloggers we’ve found this week. Give some love to three blog posts you’ve read and loved during Diabetes Blog Week, and tell us why they’re worth reading. Or share three blogs you’ve found this week that are new to you. (Thanks to Pearlsa of A Girl's Reflections for inspiring this topic.)

Arrghhh so hard!!!!! I have read so many amazing blogs this week. 

So I decided to spread the love based on the relatability to my life. By relatability to my life, I mean that they didn't relate to my life (well except that they are about diabetes). I know what it's like to be diagnosed as a T1D as a young adult out of home, without much family-based support. But I don't know what its like to have diabetes from childhood, what its like to have type 2 diabetes, or what its like to be the mother/father/partner/sibling of a diabetic. So I took this as an opportunity to learn about the different situations people are diagnosed in and live with.

1st up - I discovered Meri's blog , 'Our Diabetic Life' - a mother of not 1, not 2 but 3 diabetic sons. I complain about my diabetic costs - she has 3 x those costs and  deals with it all as well as having lost her husband. Mind blown. So much in awe of her strength. Her blog is witty, loving, and emotional. I love reading about D-mum's and just how much they do for their kids. 

On the topic of D-mum's I will take this opportunity to shout out to J, our resident D-mum on MyD. We all know if we have an issue she will have an answer, and one that is helpful. She is also very encouraging, and I love her feedback on my blogs :)

2nd blog I would like to share around a little is that of Carol from 'The 9 Inch Plate'. The wife of a type 2 diabetic, so I was interested in this blog for more than 1 reason, probably the most prominent reason being that I often always wonder how my partner is dealing with my diagnosis. The progression her and her husband have made is amazing - I love seeing how they are a team against diabetes. She also posts some yummy looking recipes that I will have to try out.

Lastly I decided to immerse myself in reading the blog of Jessica of 'Mastering Me'. Yes we both have T1D, but she has had T1D for a lot longer, and was diagnosed as a child. She has had diabetes for long enough to let it slide a little, and have to reinvest herself in her diabetes care. I was super excited as I read to see how she handles everything, because one day in the future, when I have had D for a while, I might hit a bit of a wall, and need to remember that other people have done so and lived through it to. A very inspiring young lady .

Diabetes Blog Week Day 6 - Diabetes Art - I Poem Badly

This year Diabetes Art moves up from the Wildcard choices as we all channel our creativity with art in the broadest sense. Do some “traditional” art like drawing, painting, collage or any other craft you enjoy. Or look to the literary arts and perhaps write a d-poem or share and discuss a favorite quote. Groove to some musical arts by sharing a song that inspires you diabetes-wise, reworking some song lyrics with a d-twist, or even writing your own song. Don’t forget dramatic arts too, perhaps you can create a diabetes reality show or play. These are just a starting point today – there are no right or wrong ways to get creative!

At first I cried, and screamed and yelled,
Ovderwhelmend by an endless river of tears,
an endless river of blood
Seeping from my fingertips
An endless line of insulin
Infusing into my skin

My life had changed before my eyes
In ways I didn't want it to,
In ways I couldn't bear
And it took awhile for me to be able to see
That my life was still there
Hidden behind my disease

So I scrambled and dug at the dirt of diabetes
I found the positives in my life still to be
I thought of my love, my future, my pump
And made a new place in my life
For Morty to dwell
Behind the scenes,behind the life of me


So I poem badly with words....haha. I originally did a quick word cloud in an art form to try to see what I wanted to express. Below is my word cloud, and I hated it, although I liked the subject matter: The positives in diabetes. The poem eventually became about being positive and finding a future with diabetes, seems to be my theme this week :).

My partner asked me if I used real blood....uhmmm no, no I did not. I know we get bleeders on occassion but sheesh!!! I did however get to paint my hands, which I love doing because it feels so bizarre.

Diabetes Blog Week Day 5 - Freaky Friday

Just like in the movie, today we’re doing a swap. If you could switch chronic diseases, which one would you choose to deal with instead of diabetes? And while we’re considering other chronic conditions, do you think your participation in the DOC has affected how you treat friends and acquaintances with other medical conditions?

Give up my disease? Hell yes! Running at that faster than if I have my father's murderous 30 year old cockatoo biting my heels. But take another disease in its place? Alarm bells ring and I approach with extreme caution. This swap, will it gaurantee no added chronic diseases? Does it gaurantee I won't get diabetes again. No? Then I'm not in. I have only had Type 1 Diabetes for 1 year and 2 months of my 23 years on this planet, but in that 1 year and 2 months I have come to know how to handle my disease. The 1st few months were absolutley nerve wracking and I don't want to go through something like that again. I can handle my diabetes, for the most part, and feel like I have had it my whole life. I don't remember life before it anymore. My brain believes it has always been finger-pricking, I don't remember food without the obligatory insulin jab.

Of course, you could say, well why not switch to an easy disease, one of those tablet only chronic diseases. Just drawing on my very small expertise of what other chronic diseases are out there: Like what? Hypertension? Graves' disease? They sound easy - actually I have high blood pressure. Or so I was told. They aren't easy 'tablet only' diseases. I'm scared of diabetes complications. I would be scared of high blood pressure complications - heart problems, eye problems (yes, it can cause eye damage). I would be scared that if I forgot that 1 little pill, I might have a heart attack. Thats a lot of pressure to remember to take that pill everyday. If I forget a dose of insulin? I correct when I realise and move on. I can deal with the ups and downs of diabetes now, I don't want to deal with something else. And Graves' disease? Before I was diagnosed I remember being at work one day thinking: If I had to get one of these chronic illnesses I would take a thyoid condition. I had overhead the parents of an 18 year old boy become hysterical at his diagnosis of Graves' disease. And I thought, so what? He takes a tablet and is done with it. But I have been at my job longer now, and added my own chronic disease, and I know thats not the case. Weight problems, anxiety issues, in remission & out of remission, surgery or radioactive iodine therapy - Yay Graves' disease!  His mother was balling her eyes out, talking about how it was a conditon for life and how it would change everything and he would never be able to do anything again Honestly, I do think his mother's chronic case of a bad outlook on life is one of the worst chronic illnesses out there.

So I will stick to my diabetes, please and thank you. I like my support group too much.

As for the 2nd part of todays blog - Absolutely the DOC has changed how I treat other people with medical condition. So many people in the DOC have co-existing illnesses that you read about, and I know from dealing with my own 'invisible illness' that you never know what someone is going through and how it may impact on their life. Being involved in the DOC has taught me to stand back and respect each person's struggles, and let them deal with them in their own way. We all ask for help when we need it and it is always provided if requested. If not, we know how much we hate when people butt in. 

Diabetes Blog Week Day 4 - Accomplishments Big & Small

We don’t always realize it, but each one of us had come a long way since diabetes first came into our life. It doesn’t matter if it’s been 5 weeks, 5 years or 50 years, you’ve done something outstanding diabetes-wise. So today let’s share the greatest accomplishment you've made in terms of dealing with your (or your loved one’s) diabetes. No accomplishment is too big or too small - think about self-acceptance, something you’ve mastered (pump / exercise / diet / etc.), making a tough care decision (finding a new endo or support group / choosing to use or not use a technology / etc.).

Accomplishments. The whole last year of my life has been one giant accomplishment. Learning to take shots, hating them. Pushing hard for the pump and getting it just a few short months after diagnosis. Finger-pricking. Finger-pricking by my own choice many many times a day (Seriously, who does that?). Getting a recent HbA1c of 6.0%. Learning all the secrets of my body, that only diabetes could show me.

But my greatest accomplishment? After mourning for the loss of my 'normal' life, was to realise that I still had a life, and more importantly a future. This took awhile. When I was fist diagnosed, in those first few hours when I was sitting alone in a tiny room in ED, I wasn't at all ready to face up to this being for life. First up I hoped against hope that I was pregnant, and that my diabetes was just the worst case of early onset gestational diabetes ever. I even convinced my boss' registrar (did I mention my boss also works at the hospital I went to when diagnosed?), who she had follow me around like a puppy, to do a pregnancy test. It was unsurprisingly, negative. Which was a relief, because children are also, apparantly, for life.

I left hospital and wished for days, weeks even, that it was all a bad dream. I ignored the 'for-the-rest-of-my-life' aspect. I still do for the most part. After eventually accepting I had diabetes (although I maintain not for life) I found that I had 'shut off' from my future. Before my diagnoses I loved to imagine what sort of career I might have, what my kids would be like, where I would send them to school, where I would travel and when I'd get married. I imagined a life on a property, in the middle of nowhere.

When I got diabetes I stopped thinking of the future. I felt like there was nothing in my future any more - those kids names I had picked out were gone. Distant dreams that I felt were no longer attainable. It took me awhile to realise I could still do and have everything that I wanted. Many many months to realise this. But I did. I'm happy to report that I now see a future again. I try as hard as I can to maintain that vision.

Diabetes Blog Week Day 3 - Memories

First Up - This is my NEW blog seeing as blog.com are a load of fly blown horsepoop, to put it nicely. So none of my old content is here currently, until blog.com come online and I can export it all and reimport it here. Fingers crossed its not lost forever. Anyway, onto to todays blog:



  Today we’re going to share our most memorable diabetes day. You can take this anywhere.... your or your loved one's diagnosis, a bad low, a bad high, a big success, any day that you’d like to share. 


Nervous. Sweaty. Scared. My hands are numb, and not from the temperature, despite how cold it is. The object is placed before me. I don't move. The object is nudged closer to me. I pick it up, feeling the smooth curve all around. A clear-blue hard-plastic casing that houses all my dreams. I tentatively rip the brittle outer casing off. My fingers find the ridges on either side, and I squeeze gently. Nothing happens. I am encouraged to try harder, and apply more pressure. I am taken aback when the top springs off and clatters onto the floor beneath me, bouncing. The sound is shocking to my nervous ears.

I hesitate, and unwind the long, clear tube. Around and around and around I pull it, almost hypnotic. Too fast, it snags and I am jilted back to reality. I am fearful of breaking it, it seems so fragile.

The next step, I am reminded, is to remove the outer tube protecting the point and the 'snail' as she calls it. I do. I hold the entire object, squat in my palm. It is almost time now.

I pull back on the bottom of the hard blue case. *click*

My stomach  retracts at the cold air as I lift my shirt. I get even more goosebumps as my skin is roughly swathed in a cold lotion that smells so sterile. This is it.

I hold the rounded object, much like a half a pokeball to my stomach. I distract myself with thoughts of how awesome it would be if it really were a pokeball. My partner and I have already decided we're going to name our future son, should we have one, squirtle.

Back to reality. I breathe in, *pop*. Hang on, I was supposed to be able to breathe out first. I look down, shocked. It didn't hurt. I withdraw the sharp, dull steel from within my body. Inspect it, twirl it around and scrutinise every angle of this thing, this thing that in other forms had caused me pain. But not now. Not this way.

Victorious and ecstatic, I toss the now-useless blue inserter aside and jump around. My educator raises her eyebrows. I can't feel a thing. The stark white cannula is obvious against my pink skin, but I don't care what it looks like. I just care that for the first time in 4 months, I feel like I can face this, face my disease. I'm not afraid of this like I was the needles. I realise, I can have a life again.


Just to clarify, this is when I first put a pump cannula in, because I had already covered my diagnosis here.