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Friday, 19 October 2012

Fixation on the Number Game

I'm a bit of a perfectionist and an anal-fixated bitch monster when it comes to D, or so I'm told by my loving boyfriend. Now that the warmer weather seems to be finally here (Thankyou October! A bit late, but I guess late is better than never) my D has gone completely spastic and is playing by the rules. Anyone with D will know that when your D behaves itself, you need to sleep with one eye open because  its going to try to kill you. D doesn't behave and isn't nice. 

I downloaded my pump yesterday to discover I had done a whopping 125 readings in 2 weeks. Thats 125 holes in my fingers for you non-D there. And when you count the amount of finger-pricks that didn't bleed and had to be redone and the number of: 'Not enough Blood' error messages, we are probably looking at closer to 160.

According to my download, in the last 2 weeks I have managed to get my average reading to 5.3. (even with high morning BGs usually in the 7's. They were normally my highest BGs of the day) Gold! I wish I could get my HbA1c taken right now (Yeah who'd have thought, ME wishing to be able to do a blood test), but I'm not due for that for another month and havent been given a repeat pathology request. Not that it really matters because I can easily print one off myself at work. But I will hold out because that wouldnt be 3 months and so thats not fair. To whom I'm not sure, perhaps the magical HbA1c fairy, who I think likes to play lottery with all your readings over the past 3 months, and just selects the 1st ball to come out and pronounces that your number.

In any case, I looked at my near-perfect readings for the past 2 weeks and I still  wasn't happy enough. Anything over a 7 in the past weeks and I have been ready to cry. I am obsessed. I don't like seeing a 7, 8 or 9 and certainly anything over 10 means sudden death to me. A 6 I will begrudgingly accept. A 5 I love. 4 I am happy with (unless I want to drive) but I am very wary of those goblin numbers. 4's can lead to evil things, such as 3's, and 3's ruin your day.

I just don't think being a perfectionist and having diabetes is a good idea. I'm not even happy with my current 6.4 HbA1c. I won't be until its in the non-diabetic range, which basically pregnant women and some really rare type 2's have. And non-diabetics of course.

I think about my diabetes constantly. Probably the equivalent a guy thinks about putting his wang in things. 6 out of 8 websites I visit are diabetes related. I work for an endocrinologist. I want to be an educator when I finally feel ready to face study again. Diabetes is my life. And it frustrates me that people don't get that. I AM anal-fixated. Wouldn't you be if it was your eyesight, your legs, your sensations, your kidneys, your teeth, your ability to pro-create, your gastro-system and much more on the line? 
Except for the part where I get irritated if things are taking too long to smooth out (3 days) and change everything without asking, my endo and DE love me. Myself on the other hand, hates me. Anal-fixated Ashleigh is tired and cranky all the time from the stress of trying to keep it under control. She stops herself from eating even if she's hungry because her numbers are good and she doesn't want to risk 'ruining them'. She is a hard-assed hydra with eyes watching her every move, ready to criticise a mere 8.3, which, when she allows herself to step back and look at things in an objective (did I use the right one? objective, subjective... one of those) light, isn't that bad. 

I wish I could take a break and just forget about diabetes for a day. But the fact of the matter is, I can't. I just need to learn to take a breather every now and again and accept that sometimes, I can't control the numbers. I have to just roll with it and fix things as they happen. I need to learn that mistakes are only human, and I have the rest of my life to try to control the massive blunder that my immune system made, because D's not going anywhere, and I can't sustain this.

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