I haven't written in a while. I couldn't. I didn't have the words to express how I felt. About diabetes. About how frustrating it can be. About how sometimes, it feels so hopeless to just continues on. About the ways it can impact on your life.
I have been PISSED OFF. Even that doesn't quite cover it.
I think it started with Japan. It started with the lows. It started with the highs. It started with the heat, with the nearly-full vials of insulin I threw away. It started with the more-than-regular set changes. It started with waking up all night for many nights with exercise induced lows. It started with cursing and blessing CGMs. It started with trying to do it all, do everything and get everything from Japan that I wanted to, but couldn't because sometimes diabetes elbowed and shoved its way to the start of my 'attention' line. You can't chastise diabetes like you would a rude customer who butts in ahead of you for service in a store, because diabetes can do so much worse than swear at you if you tell it to wait its damn turn.
I really can't forgive diabetes for Japan. I just wanted a trip away. Just a trip away. With Type 1 Diabetes, you can never have a trip away. It comes with you everywhere.
I did the right things. I had so many doctors appointments in the lead-up that thats all my diary consisteted off. I took an ENTIRE carry-on suitcase full of supplies, when I really could have used that space to smuggle back Pikachu. I bought CGMs, I wore CGMS. I planned.
In the end, it doesn't matter what you plan for because diabetes doesn't work to plans.
I think I broke at about the 15 day mark, in Nagasaki. When I went from 11 to 20 within 2 hours after yet another vial of insulin gave it up, exasperated in the heat. When all I wanted to do was go for a walk in the gardens. But I had to do a crazy tram dash back to the hotel to get some cool insulin from the fridge and lower my BGLs, get rid of the insane high headache and extreme nausea.
I couldn't forgive diabetes after that. I turned my back and played the 'I can't hear you' game until it prised my hands from ears and screamed straight into my face that I had yet another BGL of 20-something to treat. Which was about twice daily.
Don't get me wrong, I loved Japan. I had a ball. But the 3rd wheel of diabetes was not at all welcome.
I'm trying to pick myself back up now. I went to my educator's appointment on Monday with not a single reading written down. I hadn't saved a single BGL into my pump. I was wearing a sensor so my educator could at least look at that. She normally wears a happy face when she sees me. On Monday she had obviously visited the Happy Mask shop in Hyrule Castle Town and traded it for something much sadder.
I told her that I wasn't feeling particularly kindly-inclined towards my diabetes and I did't want to think about. She made lots of mumblings to herself and then changed my basal rates. Which I knew needed to happen, but I was too cranky to think about it.
Then to seal the deal that she wasn't happy, I was sent home with basal testing. Which I never do even though she's been asking me to for a year. While I'm cranky at diabetes, the last thing I want to do is starve myself for hours for it. But I had made the mistake of taking my boyfriend along because I was jealous that other betics sometimes have their support people with them and I never have mine, so I agreed to let him come. So he is trying to enforce basal testing. Not happy Ashleigh.
Working hard on becoming tolerant of Morty again, but I feel this may take awhile.