Sometimes things happen in the land of diabetes that we live in, that remind us of how - for lack of a better word - fragile, this disease can be. How vulnerable and uncertain of yourself it can make you feel.
For me, that thing was a 2.6. It should have been a 'no biggie'. We all get hypos. The thing that freaked me out, and made me feel unsettled was that I wasn't going to catch it.
I went to bed at a healthy 6., with 10 minutes of IOB left. A non-issue. At some point just after going to bed my pump started vibrating and telling me to 'Check BG' as it had been 2 hours post meal. I sleep through this every night. My partner is ALWAYS the one to wake me up to clear this message.
Hugh came to bed about 1 hour after me, and as usual fumbled around with my pump to turn the check BG alarm off, and as usual woke me up in the process. I felt fine. I acted normal. We never check my BGs during the night. For some reason he decided to ask me to check my BGs. Grumbling, I did so. 2.6.
After I treated it (I felt like death once I got up), I was left wondering and puzzled as to how it had happened. I had barely any IOB. Like piddle amounts. I got to bed with IOB every night.
I riddled that it was due to a combination of me being too awesome for my own body, and the heat. After I riddled it, I got scared. Scared that I didn't feel it. Scared when I realised that I wasn't going to feel it, or wake up. Scared about what might have happened if Hugh didn't wake me up and make me check, for a reason unknown to us both.
And now I feel a whole lot less confident in my abilities to manage this disease. I can't force myself to get hypo symptoms. I can't force myself to wake up. I don't know how many times I have missed a nypo before.
Its times like this, when I feel vulnerable and naked to my disease, that I wish I could take a break. Not even from it all, just from the insulin. The cause and answer to all my prolems as a Type 1 Diabetic.
Other people can take breaks from their meds (although never advised). I just want that day, the day where I don't have to worry about hypos and measuring the exact units for a meal to stop both highs and lows. I want a day where I can trust my own body to do the right thing by me and keep me alive. And not have the same thing that keeps me alive, be the thing that has the potential to kill me. As unlikely as it is, it does happen. And nights with 2.6's remind me of that.