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Thursday, 8 September 2016

Drink. Eat. Drink. Eat.

I am hollow. Vaguely aware that I have a shell of skin and hair molded into human form. Not strong enough to hold whats supposed to be inside.If there is anything inside; but I can't feel it. I don't feel like my skin is my own. There is nothing to feel when I scratch my nails across my face, trying to stimulate a sense. My chest is empty, even as my heart feels like it's beating too fast, and my lungs are too heavy. I watch my fingers wring together but I am disconnected from any feeling. When I clumsily bang my leg against a table, or a wall, I do not register it, even if I scrape the skin off and bleed. My body doesn't know that its happened. I am numb, in every sense.

In this state, I am not a person anymore. Who I am has left me. What I am has left me.

There's a monster in my body. Controlling me. It's only goal is to feed. The monster gets angry when it's interrupted. I get angry for the monster. I am not me anymore. I am a vessel for the monster, and my body is not my own.

I am simply a pipe connecting my mouth to something that's supposed to be in my stomach. That is all I focus on. How to get liquid down that pipe. I know it must go in my mouth first, but I'm not aware of how this happens.  The air is thick and stale and the liquid I swallow on impulse is tasteless in my mouth. There is a vague and far-off sensation that food is in my mouth, that I am chewing, but it doesn't matter what. That is not the point. The point is to get it down. Drink. Eat. Drink. Eat.

My eyes are unseeing. I stare ahead without taking my surroundings in. I am not sure if they even exist. Everything is flat, and I believe that the landscape around me has been hastily painted on. The doorways are uneven and faces are blurry. I don't always manage to touch the things I am reaching for. I can see darkness in the corners of my vision and I think it is growing. Creeping closer. Maybe this is where the monster lives.

My body doesn't do as its told. I want to run away from this place. The monster in me keeps me captive, it skews my legs and makes my head swim if I try to lumbar away from the path it wants me to take. Even on the path it chooses I still sway, and trip as I feel my way towards what it wants. Drink. Eat. Drink. Eat.

There is cotton in my ears. Words are said but they don't make sense and they aren't important. Too many voices confuse me in this strange place. There is only room enough in my head for one voice. Snarling. Drink. Eat. Drink. Eat.

I can feel the monster in my skin as I feed it. It is stretching through my limbs, pushing against my bones and muscles. Sinews that I had forgotten I had, but feel heavy now as they strain tight beneath my skin, stretched by the monster who is growing. I ache, but I am feeling.

I am feeling and I am fighting back. Sound is exploding into my head as I rip the cotton from my ears. Light is over-bright as I fight my way through the dark and focus my vision. My chest is burning now from the effort of this battle of wills. My breathing is laboured, and I suck fresh air greedily as I fight to determine who will control me. My skin tingles and sweat prickles over my arms as I force the beast from out of body.

I win eventually. It takes me a while to recover. I feel nauseous. My body wants to rid itself of the food the monster fed into it. Every inch of me is tired. My toes are even tired.

I delight in wiggling them, knowing that they are mine. I am human.


Reasons Why I'm Hypo:

This is hypo.


  1. You had me worried for a moment there that something terrible had happened. Captivating and so brilliantly written, Ashleigh, and I hope you are okay now.

    1. Thanks Frank :) I wrote it after a work colleague asked me how I knew I was low. I replied to her that I felt like the human part of me stops existing and I forget everything but the sudden hunger.

  2. This is the second blog I've read where the diabetic, juvenile onset/type 1 says they're hungry when they are low. Just want to shove food into their mouth. I'm never that way when I'm low. Most of the time when I'm low, I don't want to eat. I have to force myself to force food in. I just find it so fascinating that I've read about two of "us" who get so hungry when low.

  3. Jeez you're a good writer. I was worried until the end!