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Wednesday, 13 March 2013

Harry Potter Meets D

Hugh's brother thinks I'm a diabetic Nazi. This is very likely true. I don't really know how else to be when it comes to my Diabetes. I don't really think that it's fair to expect me just take all the really annoying, critical and misinformed things people say about my diabetes lying down. This will only encourage people to say stupid things. And one day soon, my tolerance for stupid might rupture and smash, and screaming shards of Ashleigh will rain down on all the stupid people who have said or done stupid things in regards to my diabetes.

 I am very assertive when it comes to my D, because I can't escape it. D is like having another, very immature, attention seeking person trapped in my body. Let's call him Shane. Actually my uncle Shane was one of the 1st people to say something incredibly dumb about my D: He told me that I had eaten too much sugar and needed to exercise more. I vaguely wondered whether he realised that I was in better shape than him, or if he had actually met me before. Perhaps my whole childhood was an illusion and we never actually encountered each other. Maybe let's not call my diabetes Shane. We'll call it Morty. Sort of short for Voldemort.

Morty is an ever-present, cruel and twisted person. He took over my body without asking first. Kind of just sidled in there whilst I was sleeping. During the take-over he was subtle, throwing me off his scent by blending his attributes with the familiar side effects of a cold. When he was certain he could win, and that I could no longer fight back he deftly dealt a killing blow to my beta cells, killing them off forever. Making me dependent on his every whim, need and want.

Since that day I have had a very long time to get to know Morty. His childish behavior is worse than that of Brangelina's large and neglected troupe. If you ask him to do something, he may well just do the opposite to prove to you that he's in charge.  I have given him many stern talking-to's about such behavior, to which his reply is a sullen look and pout of defiance. Like any 3 year old, he can be cajoled into good behavior if you give him what he wants for a while. But again, like any 3 year old, he grows bored quickly and its back to the drawing board on how to reign control of him.

Morty is evil and conniving. He's very bad at hiding this and these particular traits of his are as obvious as the lack of conk on his namesakes face (if you watch the special features for HP: GOF Ralph Fiennes refers often to his nose as a conk. Trust me, it's funny). I know exactly when he will attempt to finish the job and am learning the skills to combat these frequent attacks of his. They aren't as sneaky as he thinks they are. I know for a fact he will always try to snuff me out during exercise. This is usually when he calls on his goonies, the friendly guards of Azkaban. I believe JK Rowling directly linked our soul-less mates to depression. I think she's wrong. Doesn't matter that she wrote the books, she's wrong. They are merely vessels for Morty's hypo attacks. You can't tell me I'm wrong - They make you shake, break out in a cold clammy sweat, you become disoriented and confused. Harry Potter even passes out. They make you feel as though there is no hope left in the world. And of course, you treat a dementor attack with chocolate.

Morty is there all the time. When you want alone time, to go to the toilet, have sexy times. He's ALWAYS there. You can throw an invisibility cloak over him for a little while but even if he's being quiet and still Mrs. Norris will still manage to sniff him out, and Filch will come screaming around the corridor and it's all ruined. No quiet time with Morty.

I'm still learning more about Morty every day. I'm also learning that everything makes more sense when everyone and everything has to do with diabetes (Seriously - to the other D's out there you will hopefully understand. Anything that happens EVER can be explained by the person doing the stuff being Diabetic). And if I went to hogwarts I would invent an ever-lasting insulin potion. Or a spell like Carbiuscountius revealio. And if my D really was Voldemort, I guess I would be Harry Potter, my endo and educator Hermione and Ron. Neville is definitely my pump Lewis. And my all-wise, all seeing CGM would probably be Dumbledore. But he dies in the end so I'm not sure what that means.

And I don't think that Harry Potter defeating Voldemort is a cure. I think it just means that I will best Morty yet, and he will just have to take the back-seat to what I want to do in life.

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