I was asked the other day if I was doing the JDRF Walk for A Cure this year. The one in Brisbane is being held on the weekend that I am in Melbourne, so I considered doing the Gold Coast walk.
I went to sign up and got to the point where you tick the little box to say if you're fundraising or not. I stopped my registration there. Because I no longer believe in a cure. Truthfully, I never believed in a cure. I felt like a traitor signing up for the Walk for a Cure when I don't believe in one.
And somehow that makes me feel like a traitor the diabetic community. I know so many people who need to believe in a cure, it keeps them going. I don't want to insult them. I don't want to lie though and be all gung-ho for something I don't believe in. I know many people were told on Diagnosis that a cure was just around the corner. I wasn't. I was told this is for life, and not to entertain the possibility. I hope I'm wrong. I want the people who believe in a cure to be right so badly it aches.
Don't misunderstand me, I believe a cure exists. Already. I think we've found one. But I don't for a second ever believe it will make it to me.
Because Diabetes makes money. A lot of money. It's ripped from the pockets of you and I. I forgo seeing movies with friends if the choice comes down to fun or test strips. Test strips and living to see another day for the win. A cure makes no money. A cure will destroy companies who have big stakes in diabetes management. Unfortunatley, Type 1 Diabetes is growing. More people are being diagnosed. More money.
So I believe in advancing technology. In 10 years time I hope to have the smart insulin patch sitting on my skin doing my thinking for me. Although I do wonder if that's too close to a cure for release. I wonder if it will disappear into the dark abyss that so many potential cures fall into and be forgotten.
My family and friends ask me what I will do when I'm cured and how far away I think it is. I don't have an answer to that, because I believe my diabetes is for life. And it HURTS to think about the life I used to have where I could have run around naked and free if I wanted to. Boy, do I regret not crossing that off my bucket list when I had the chance. It HURTS to know that I will never live a day where I'm not fighting my own body for control of my blood sugar.
I DON'T THINK IT MAKES ME PESSIMISTIC. Yes, it hurts, but I am NOT SAD about having diabetes. If I feel like I can't face the truth that I will have this disease until I die, then I don't think about having this disease until the day I die. I think about having this disease for today and managing it for today.
And honestly? Not believing in a cure is what makes me TRY so hard to control my diabetes. Not believing in a cure gives me acceptance. My cousin has Type 1 Diabetes and his parents pushed the 'cure in 5 years' belief on him. He has never accepted or made adequate space in his life for his diabetes. I can't do that.
Not believing in a cure makes me happy, because I can move on with my life. So this post is not a sad post. This post is me, living with diabetes and living with what is available to me in the here and now.
This post is me, putting my efforts into supporting those living with diabetes now.